Time

"It's been a while, stopping by to see whats new
But just like I expected, I sit in the same spot without a clue
Life's good, flying high, reaching goals as I desire
Making moves and earning bread, also shes pretty fire
Yet I sit here making myself think
Never knowing if I'm ever allowed to blink
Will I make it or will I flop?
This upcoming 9-5 nightmare sounding over the top
Hearing nothing but regrets and flashbacks
Running through my mind while I sell iPhone's and Macs
Time is precious and we ain't getting it back
Got to keep going, I've got goals to reach before I give up and pack
I'll live with some regret but I'll get it just right
My body can wear down and jobs can take over, I won't quit without a fight
College was a luxury, fucking weird I know
But chillin' with homies, having the time, there's nothing like it
Gotta swing and hope I hit, sit down Kershaw"

Some time has passed and everything is different, new job, new goals, new pal, who the fuck is this? With me getting closer to graduation more and more thoughts have begun to get to me. Seeing an old friend and her struggles, everyone telling me to enjoy the months before life, knowing that I will inevitably end up stuck in a building for most of my life, I'm sounding like a real millennial. They say we have issues because we feel entitled, having the luxury of getting things when we want them. But is it so wrong to simply want to enjoy a career? That is where the real fear sets, knowing my life will be spent giving my time to something I may not believe in, selling out for the money like I originally planned. Too far deep for a fresh start, but how do I know where to start when I'm all over the place. I don't know if I have a real passion. Time will tell, when I'm down to the wire I'll have to make a call. Fuck it, I'll play my part until then




also Dodger's lost the world series again......
Don't care but this triggers people.

Insecure

"Feelings come and go, but how far will they travel?
Life's just a game but I suck at Scrabble
I never really know how to feel, if what I'm doing is right
I said I could hold my ground but am I ready for a fight?
I have to be absolutely sure of my own feelings, are they real or fake
Why is life so complicated, for goodness sake
Wishing there was a cheat code here, some kind of hack
So I wouldn't have to sit here with these dark/negative thoughts, I'm talking Bojack
Life is about gambling and having trust in that gut
But what happens when you get too comfortable with where you are, stuck in that lil hut
You move forward, realize you can't go back and face life's weird obstacles head on
These thoughts always know when to strike, at my busiest so I stay up 'til dawn
I know what I'm doing, at least thats what I have to say
Problems at my doorstep now, 'hey...' "


This one was more random, I thought I was in a really good place but maybe these thoughts just never go away? Maybe they always stick around and are just quieter at times, wait for when they really have something to say. Recently binged Bojack Horseman too, so maybe that had something to do with it. Making me realize that that little voice in your head never truly leaves you, although we would never admit it. However, nobody in this world has 0 problems so this could just be mine. No matter how badly I want to believe my problems are minimal, this one isn't. I have to learn how to deal with it better, productivity will honestly get me pretty far.
This is what happens when your mind seeks more and more knowledge, it gives you way too much feedback.

Shut up guys, we could all use some sleep.......

FEAR

"I guess I am still scared of it
Comes to my mind in different ways, just hit after hit
I'll never know unless I try
But was it really the right time to say goodbye
I can't have this around especially when I'm moving on
At times I am up at night, they keep me up 'til the break of dawn
I alone have to be the one that puts on the brave face
I guess I'm just getting through this at my own pace
Scared of the judgment I may soon face
But to me it ain't no disgrace
Being here typing always brings me back
Honestly it's about time I grew a sack
She'll soon know the truth I have yet to reveal
I have to be straight up, can't be telling her what to do or how to feel
I care for her enough to speak my mind
It's not something I'm willing to hide behind
If things are going to work out it has to be done
Hoping she accepts me and we can continue having our fun
Judgement will happen no matter what right?
May as well go down on my terms, fuck a fight
The only opinion that'll matter is hers, everyone else can hate
I played my cards right so I can't lose, Exodia obliterate"


I ran out of the shower to start writing because it all came to me so fast. I guess fear is something that is ever lasting, fear of being the center of attention, fear of being different, fear of being judged, etc. Honestly I never thought that this affected me in any way, but I guess it depends on who it comes from. I like to believe I have never cared about peoples opinions and was simply myself, but in this case I guess I do fear one persons opinion of me. However, as I was writing I came to realize that no matter what, as long as I believe I am making good decisions, I should feel content with where I am heading. I let things play out and now I'm preparing to make an actual decision. Everything has to be put on the table for this to even have a chance though, and that's some scary shit on its own.  I think I'm ready, I honestly have to be.......


(quick thanks to anyone taking time to read, appreciate it)

WHATS NEW

 "New feelings and such have emerged at last
For the most part I can say that I'm really having a blast
There is so much uncertainty in life that I never get the chance to enjoy myself
I've left my goals, happiness, and ambition up on the top shelf
She makes me believe in everything again
Her mindset and all puts me back in zen
I will never forget my past nor my pain
But new opportunities and new adventure are what actually keep me sane
If there is one thing I've learned it's that life is too short to be looking to the past
We will miss everything around us because it all goes by just that fast
My feelings are everywhere and it all somehow feels so new
Please don't think I'm disrespecting, I've made up my mind but I won't forget you."


Feels like this one is getting a little more positive than the others. Mostly because lately I've been given many signals of what I need to do next in my life. Somehow everywhere I went kept telling me the same thing one way or the other. Maybe it's inspiration from friends own lives, maybe it's physically seeing how being sprung can be poisonous, or maybe it's just me finally believing that I can continue. In no way am I escaping my dark thoughts, every feeling deserves to be felt, I cannot be afraid of any of my own feelings. However, it is time to create something new, whether I'm alone or with that of a similar mindset I have to be prepared. I stared at the screen for long enough and time is almost up. I have to be ready to put in more tokens, I'm ready to (Continue....?)


Only time will tell if I am right.....

WHY

"Why does this happen every single time
Having come so far I can't seem to stop this heart of mine
I worry about you every time theres too big a gap
And I'm left here looking like some sorry sap
I thought I was done with this yet here I am again
Escaping, editing, compromising, all of that and I'm left back in my den
Every time I see your name pop up I jump at the chance to speak
I'm left here just wondering to myself, what is it that I seek
I thought our time was up, and our song was sung
Yet here I am, inevitably admitting that I'm still sprung."


....this post can somewhat speak for itself but I still feel the need to say something else. Feelings are horrible but they need to be felt, when I thought I was moving forward with my life I turn out to be completely wrong. The worst part being that I really don't know about her anymore. Taking for granted all the times I got to hear the little things, I got to have my hand in her life, literally any little detail. I tell anyone to never take that for granted, appreciate everything. I hate that I still feel this way, why. Just why. Well this hit like a ton of bricks, gotta work this off somehow right?

Random Night

"A year ago I wasn't sure where I'd be, never knowing how I would change
Sometimes life forces that change and I've had to adjust a pretty good range
I've been in a different mindset and it's a little surreal
I watch myself as days go by and really I'm not sure how to feel
Honestly I'm not even sure if I've given myself proper time to heal
Every time I feel like I've taken one step forward, the light appears and I take two steps back
Sometimes it was hard to keep going, but I figured out that shits whack
I still can't say I've recovered, because I still find myself in my feels
There is always a way out, many ways I could make some deals
But if there's one thing I learned is that's just not who I am
Through the mistakes I've made I learn and then suddenly *BAM*
I wake up and realize everything I've done and can only look to a better tomorrow
Yet we said we'd see each other soon, but until then am I just in sorrow?
Do I sit here and hope nobody else finds us, wait on the day we can say Goodnight
Until I figure this out I'll just remain in wonder, don't know what this means but soon I'll have the destination in my sight
I'll always feel the same way, it was always you."

I'm not sure what brought this up, maybe it's making plans. Being someone I did not see myself as. So many new faces, possibilities, opportunities. I guess typing it out is one way to get this out. What is this adulting? It's realizing the mistakes you've made in the past, living with all the shit life throws at you, getting creative with how you escape the realities placed in front of you, and more importantly realizing who is actually there for you. I believe I've at the very least found those people that both help me and I in some way help them. I would do anything for those of you, quite literally anything.



I guess I just had one of those nights of thinking....