heartened

 i never knew what time would tell 

but when it came to i fell 

for dumb reasons, just trying to hold on to closed doors

hell i broke a heart just to try to get yours 

i never knew depression could hit this hard 

suicide and all isn’t the peak, i just keep guard 

nobody knew since i was on the fence

so when it all broke down i suffered in silence 

there’s so much to sit around and think about

i don’t feel like feeling, i’ll float without doubt 

just not in the mood, let the drugs do what they do 

escape, distract, pin me down, let me fake this too 

i have my upbringings and smiles on the daily

just don’t know whats real or how i’ll be 

get ready to let go, walls up, no remorse

can’t be blind sided by another trojan horse 

i’m just done with all the bullshit

on edge, can’t afford another hit

m.e.

keeping it cool just to live my days

yet i can’t seem to get out of your deadly gaze

moving forward has never been so hard

when you lose it all you wind up heavily scarred

however joy and life should never be put aside

like why would i ever sit back and hide

life has too much to offer, have to get out and see

experiences shape you but there’s still so much you can be 

pain can suffocate you, make you turn your back to the world 

makes you wonder whats real, whats not, everything’s now twirled 

you can be all in all you want

but the damage you’ve done is already set to haunt 

i can sit here and feel sorry or i could hit continue 

gotta go outside, touch grass, see whats new 

only then will time move chronologically

can’t be taken over like a game of monopoly

new connections, new feelings, nothing seems right

my vision for the future is now out of sight 

i can’t sleep at night, i’m not lonely i just miss you

but just keep tossing and turning, you’ve done all you can do

i’m just tired, the days have been so long

i know what i want but that’s now dead and gone

thank you all for reading. this concludes one of the biggest sagas i’ve lived through. 

YDLM

 “ i’m just so tired 

from all the events that have transpired

to know pain is to know where it comes from 

it can come quickly or slowly but for some 

it comes from consistency, having things go wrong 

has me sitting here thinking, gripping my bong 

feelings are meant to be felt but reality needs to hit 

where i am isn’t always the place to release so here i sit 

wondering where it all went wrong 

as i keep looping this same song 

showers became reality breaks, where i let out my cry 

let it all out, in there i can’t be shy 

i’m not sure if you understand emotional pain 

when it gets to the point of hurting you physically shit gets insane 

it’s like Harry’s scar when Voldemorts nearby 

just hurts me knowing there’s nothing left, *sigh* 

pain has been a constant thats for sure 

i’ve learned to live with it, there is no cure 

you have to look forward, not forgetting 

just be aware of what’s around, know your setting 

face reality no matter what’s said 

when times seemed the toughest we fled 

my happiest was when i was given hope 

maybe things could work out for once… nope 

life continues and i’ll keep making my mistakes 

i mean how long until things finally work, fucks sake

i just decided to be without my guard and 

now like metapod i’m hardened

for now it’s me and the one who follows 

i’d say more but he can be a lot to swallow 

that’s life and at some point you have to let it be

i’ll sit here knowing that i love you, but YDLM”

Before going forward I have to always look back and reanalyze the decisions made by me and others throughout my life. I leave zero hate, zero hard feelings, at the end of the day the person you are supposed to love and look after most is yourself. And it should be noted that I say YDLM because in my eyes you don’t. At least not anymore. No matter how much I’m willing to do, it doesn’t matter if you aren’t at the same level. Life goes on. I’ll continue to live and seek out what life has in store for me next. How much pain can one man take, well I’m either here to answer that question or to never find out, either way should be a blast. I guess I should also consider this a learning experience, but nobody wants to go through this shit, this is why people give up. I have to say I have learned values the most, to care for those that need it and contribute wherever I can. Becoming the giving individual I know I am behind my newly built walls, just never showing myself. Thank you to everyone who has been in my life during, I love and appreciate all of you for your help. All of you have given me enough strength and support to go through a majority of this physically alone, to a normal person I don’t think this would’ve gone well without that. Now it’s time to move forward, looking back only to see the progress. Later ✌🏽