“Hey kid, it’s been a while”
*sniffles* “Who are you?”
“You’ll learn. Did something happen?”
“My friend is gone”
“Where did he go?”
*points up*
“Oh I see, you’re very young to be seeing stuff like this. Are you okay?”
“I don’t know, but I want to see him”
“I know, and it must be tough. But trust me when I say this, you will grow because of this. You will continue to live your life and learn from every experience you come across. Let me tell you it will not be easy, but you continue in life because we have too, there is no giving up.”
“What are all those marks on your arm?”
*smiles* “You should know kid, I got these done because of you. They remind me of you, in a simpler life.”
“Why is death on your hand?”
“Because he’s our friend now, it just took time.”
“What happens to me?”
“Life hits us hard little man, and we go through some of the toughest situations. It’s harsh and it shatters us plenty, but I’m still here for you. Come on, let’s go.”
“Where are we going?”
“Forward”
I often think about what my younger self thinks
Am I who I thought I’d be or do I intimidate like Shinx
I know everything about that little boy but he doesn’t know me
I doubt this is the person I originally thought I’d be
But life hardens you, molds you into someone who can preserver
That’s the person I represent, or so I hear
When I was a kid I was carefree
Nowadays I don’t know if care is free
Theres no instructions in life
You just live it out until you see the scythe
Hardships, failure, pain, and suffering
It hardens you as you’re buffering
You never know which direction it’ll hit
Just harden yourself to be ready for that shit
Don’t forget the pain
It’s what makes you you, through that you’ll gain
Perspective, a better mental state, maybe some sanity
Bro seriously what even is this reality
It really feels like we time skipped
Some people grew closer and others dipped
It’s sad but true, people just couldn’t hang
Unfortunately I lost, and was put through a lot like dang
But we never truly know what’s to come
Really need to come to terms and stop being dumb
My reality is here, set in motion
Now set me afloat, just me and all the commotion
I started writing this to tell a story, it’s not a good or a happy story and it also is completely irrelevant to about 98% of the people who happen to read this, but the story is mine. About how growing up is something that is inevitable despite how much you want to “be a kid” or “act like a kid”, like you can act all you want but someone out there is expecting this 25 year old dumbass to meet his deadlines and pay some bills. That’s said not to be a downer but to come face to face with the realities ahead of you, to create something out of yourself that you would want to see. Because thinking back on that little kid that was me I never had any idea of what I wanted to do. I’d get asked questions like “what do you want to be when you grow up?” and my answer would change every time. Not because I changed my mind on what was interesting but because I never wanted to be that person who didn’t know. Everyone seemed so sure at the time that the now pothead Jeremy would be the best doctor out there because he was “gifted”. Jeremy is not a real person, I mean I’m sure somewhere this type of person exists but he was made up in this story to make a point. Life is taking different turns, getting the absolute shit kicked out of you time and time again, then getting up and saying let’s try this again. Learning and adapting to what is around you and forming your own personality, morals, critical thinking skills, and most of all sanity. Everyone is normal at a different level of sanity, what we see as crazy might just be an everyday occurrence to others. Where was I going with this? Life, my younger self, right. I didn’t know what I wanted to be growing up and to this day, having completed a college degree, having found a job, still have no fucking idea what I want to do. I’m alive and making money to be able to stay that way but what is it that I want. Do I have the motivation to find what that thing is, am I looking in the wrong spots for motivation, am I someone who is content with having his hobbies be his life and keeping a steady job throughout? Speaking on that, I use to feel a burden when I would explain what my hobbies were. Because too many times that ended up becoming my entire identity, “oh wait you only listen to bboy music huh?”, “jorge you should know, you dance right?”, “so have you seen the jabawockees?”. With my life I hated that, I am definitely more than my hobbies, but now I feel different about it. Now I see it as a talking point instead of wanting to slit some throats. I can be happy about the fact that it is part of my identity, it keeps me motivated, it gives me something that I can escape to. I take that for granted for sure, I may have different sides to me but dancing and flipping around is part of who I am. It’s my inner happiness and I should feel blessed to have this since I have seen many others sit around without a single hobby. I’m rambling again hold on. Right hobbies, work life, etc. Got it. I don’t know. If anyone has found the answer to what you want to do in life for yourself I am happy for you, because this shit takes a lot of discovery and determination. I don’t know what is going to happen to me, but I’ve got some hands on deck on my side to say the least. It’s weird looking back and seeing what the events of my life had led me to, the amount of times I thought I was on top of the world only to be brought back down 100% to the floor and start all over again. Funny thing is this is where I strive, resilience has been my word for a long time because of what life has thrown towards me. I never know what is going to happen next, no matter how I come off externally, on the inside I'm still this optimistic little kid. Always hoping for things to turn out better and for a future I can be excited about. This time around I can only hope for better, wondering where I'm headed to next. My kid self will always look up to me, watching everything I do to make his efforts matter. For now it's a lot of discovery to be made, no matter what has appeared. I'll sit here alone and look into the corner, there he is, been by my side for 15 years now. My longest relationship really, well more like a parasite I can't seem to shake. Death, you really are my biggest burden. Yet I can't live without you, it wouldn't be the same. You ready for the next round?
