Burnt

i finally understand the lines 
checking in usually i’m feeling fines
so much to do, adhoc and high expectations 
hell my sleep now needs medications 
everything feels like a camera focusing in 
is this what one gets when they do the min
everything feels heavy, creating joy is easy but unproductive 
i continue but for my career it can be destructive 
where does the line sit? 
where you can enjoy life one way and your career still fit 
maybe i chose wrong 
that’s what you get when you force a kid to choose one 
i never got to explore my options because i chased the bag 
now i’m unsure, anxious, and life lagged 
where can a passion sustain life and still be fun 
the risks here are irreversible so i might be done 
do i have a drive or am i just in the passenger seat
letting something else come and take the heat 
i move forward knowing i can do more 
just looking for my shot, the time i know i can score 
or shoot it and hope for the best 
at the end of the day i just have to prove i’m better than the rest 

heartened

 i never knew what time would tell 

but when it came to i fell 

for dumb reasons, just trying to hold on to closed doors

hell i broke a heart just to try to get yours 

i never knew depression could hit this hard 

suicide and all isn’t the peak, i just keep guard 

nobody knew since i was on the fence

so when it all broke down i suffered in silence 

there’s so much to sit around and think about

i don’t feel like feeling, i’ll float without doubt 

just not in the mood, let the drugs do what they do 

escape, distract, pin me down, let me fake this too 

i have my upbringings and smiles on the daily

just don’t know whats real or how i’ll be 

get ready to let go, walls up, no remorse

can’t be blind sided by another trojan horse 

i’m just done with all the bullshit

on edge, can’t afford another hit

m.e.

keeping it cool just to live my days

yet i can’t seem to get out of your deadly gaze

moving forward has never been so hard

when you lose it all you wind up heavily scarred

however joy and life should never be put aside

like why would i ever sit back and hide

life has too much to offer, have to get out and see

experiences shape you but there’s still so much you can be 

pain can suffocate you, make you turn your back to the world 

makes you wonder whats real, whats not, everything’s now twirled 

you can be all in all you want

but the damage you’ve done is already set to haunt 

i can sit here and feel sorry or i could hit continue 

gotta go outside, touch grass, see whats new 

only then will time move chronologically

can’t be taken over like a game of monopoly

new connections, new feelings, nothing seems right

my vision for the future is now out of sight 

i can’t sleep at night, i’m not lonely i just miss you

but just keep tossing and turning, you’ve done all you can do

i’m just tired, the days have been so long

i know what i want but that’s now dead and gone

thank you all for reading. this concludes one of the biggest sagas i’ve lived through. 

YDLM

 “ i’m just so tired 

from all the events that have transpired

to know pain is to know where it comes from 

it can come quickly or slowly but for some 

it comes from consistency, having things go wrong 

has me sitting here thinking, gripping my bong 

feelings are meant to be felt but reality needs to hit 

where i am isn’t always the place to release so here i sit 

wondering where it all went wrong 

as i keep looping this same song 

showers became reality breaks, where i let out my cry 

let it all out, in there i can’t be shy 

i’m not sure if you understand emotional pain 

when it gets to the point of hurting you physically shit gets insane 

it’s like Harry’s scar when Voldemorts nearby 

just hurts me knowing there’s nothing left, *sigh* 

pain has been a constant thats for sure 

i’ve learned to live with it, there is no cure 

you have to look forward, not forgetting 

just be aware of what’s around, know your setting 

face reality no matter what’s said 

when times seemed the toughest we fled 

my happiest was when i was given hope 

maybe things could work out for once… nope 

life continues and i’ll keep making my mistakes 

i mean how long until things finally work, fucks sake

i just decided to be without my guard and 

now like metapod i’m hardened

for now it’s me and the one who follows 

i’d say more but he can be a lot to swallow 

that’s life and at some point you have to let it be

i’ll sit here knowing that i love you, but YDLM”

Before going forward I have to always look back and reanalyze the decisions made by me and others throughout my life. I leave zero hate, zero hard feelings, at the end of the day the person you are supposed to love and look after most is yourself. And it should be noted that I say YDLM because in my eyes you don’t. At least not anymore. No matter how much I’m willing to do, it doesn’t matter if you aren’t at the same level. Life goes on. I’ll continue to live and seek out what life has in store for me next. How much pain can one man take, well I’m either here to answer that question or to never find out, either way should be a blast. I guess I should also consider this a learning experience, but nobody wants to go through this shit, this is why people give up. I have to say I have learned values the most, to care for those that need it and contribute wherever I can. Becoming the giving individual I know I am behind my newly built walls, just never showing myself. Thank you to everyone who has been in my life during, I love and appreciate all of you for your help. All of you have given me enough strength and support to go through a majority of this physically alone, to a normal person I don’t think this would’ve gone well without that. Now it’s time to move forward, looking back only to see the progress. Later ✌🏽

Reassurance

“Hey kid, it’s been a while”

*sniffles* “Who are you?”

“You’ll learn. Did something happen?”

“My friend is gone”

“Where did he go?” 

*points up*

“Oh I see, you’re very young to be seeing stuff like this. Are you okay?”

“I don’t know, but I want to see him”

“I know, and it must be tough. But trust me when I say this, you will grow because of this. You will continue to live your life and learn from every experience you come across. Let me tell you it will not be easy, but you continue in life because we have too, there is no giving up.”

“What are all those marks on your arm?”

*smiles* “You should know kid, I got these done because of you. They remind me of you, in a simpler life.”

“Why is death on your hand?”

“Because he’s our friend now, it just took time.”

“What happens to me?”

“Life hits us hard little man, and we go through some of the toughest situations. It’s harsh and it shatters us plenty, but I’m still here for you. Come on, let’s go.”

“Where are we going?”

“Forward” 

I often think about what my younger self thinks 

Am I who I thought I’d be or do I intimidate like Shinx

I know everything about that little boy but he doesn’t know me

I doubt this is the person I originally thought I’d be 

But life hardens you, molds you into someone who can preserver 

That’s the person I represent, or so I hear 

When I was a kid I was carefree 

Nowadays I don’t know if care is free 

Theres no instructions in life 

You just live it out until you see the scythe

Hardships, failure, pain, and suffering 

It hardens you as you’re buffering 

You never know which direction it’ll hit 

Just harden yourself to be ready for that shit 

Don’t forget the pain 

It’s what makes you you, through that you’ll gain

Perspective, a better mental state, maybe some sanity 

Bro seriously what even is this reality 

It really feels like we time skipped 

Some people grew closer and others dipped 

It’s sad but true, people just couldn’t hang 

Unfortunately I lost, and was put through a lot like dang 

But we never truly know what’s to come 

Really need to come to terms and stop being dumb 

My reality is here, set in motion

Now set me afloat, just me and all the commotion 

I started writing this to tell a story, it’s not a good or a happy story and it also is completely irrelevant to about 98% of the people who happen to read this, but the story is mine. About how growing up is something that is inevitable despite how much you want to “be a kid” or “act like a kid”, like you can act all you want but someone out there is expecting this 25 year old dumbass to meet his deadlines and pay some bills. That’s said not to be a downer but to come face to face with the realities ahead of you, to create something out of yourself that you would want to see. Because thinking back on that little kid that was me I never had any idea of what I wanted to do. I’d get asked questions like “what do you want to be when you grow up?” and my answer would change every time. Not because I changed my mind on what was interesting but because I never wanted to be that person who didn’t know. Everyone seemed so sure at the time that the now pothead Jeremy would be the best doctor out there because he was “gifted”. Jeremy is not a real person, I mean I’m sure somewhere this type of person exists but he was made up in this story to make a point. Life is taking different turns, getting the absolute shit kicked out of you time and time again, then getting up and saying let’s try this again. Learning and adapting to what is around you and forming your own personality, morals, critical thinking skills, and most of all sanity. Everyone is normal at a different level of sanity, what we see as crazy might just be an everyday occurrence to others. Where was I going with this? Life, my younger self, right. I didn’t know what I wanted to be growing up and to this day, having completed a college degree, having found a job, still have no fucking idea what I want to do. I’m alive and making money to be able to stay that way but what is it that I want. Do I have the motivation to find what that thing is, am I looking in the wrong spots for motivation, am I someone who is content with having his hobbies be his life and keeping a steady job throughout? Speaking on that, I use to feel a burden when I would explain what my hobbies were. Because too many times that ended up becoming my entire identity, “oh wait you only listen to bboy music huh?”, “jorge you should know, you dance right?”, “so have you seen the jabawockees?”. With my life I hated that, I am definitely more than my hobbies, but now I feel different about it. Now I see it as a talking point instead of wanting to slit some throats. I can be happy about the fact that it is part of my identity, it keeps me motivated, it gives me something that I can escape to. I take that for granted for sure, I may have different sides to me but dancing and flipping around is part of who I am. It’s my inner happiness and I should feel blessed to have this since I have seen many others sit around without a single hobby. I’m rambling again hold on. Right hobbies, work life, etc. Got it. I don’t know. If anyone has found the answer to what you want to do in life for yourself I am happy for you, because this shit takes a lot of discovery and determination. I don’t know what is going to happen to me, but I’ve got some hands on deck on my side to say the least. It’s weird looking back and seeing what the events of my life had led me to, the amount of times I thought I was on top of the world only to be brought back down 100% to the floor and start all over again. Funny thing is this is where I strive, resilience has been my word for a long time because of what life has thrown towards me. I never know what is going to happen next, no matter how I come off externally, on the inside I'm still this optimistic little kid. Always hoping for things to turn out better and for a future I can be excited about. This time around I can only hope for better, wondering where I'm headed to next. My kid self will always look up to me, watching everything I do to make his efforts matter. For now it's a lot of discovery to be made, no matter what has appeared. I'll sit here alone and look into the corner, there he is, been by my side for 15 years now. My longest relationship really, well more like a parasite I can't seem to shake. Death, you really are my biggest burden. Yet I can't live without you, it wouldn't be the same. You ready for the next round?

Search

Are you a boy? Or are you a girl?
Hm? Wha…? You woke me up!
Will you check the clock for me?
What time is it? 
What? Morn 5 o’clock?
How many minutes?
Whoa! 30 min.?
MORN 5:30! I overslept!
Confusion seems to be the only thing I know 
Trying to start a new game just to find my flow
Is it in movement or what I call the written 
Hard choice like Rowlet or Litten 
But there is one choice to make, something that can let me be me
Maybe the right path is one I just can’t see 
Because the journey is where it comes from, its about trial and error
I move forward with only my style and the terror 
Of things that I just can’t keep a grasp on
Maybe one day I’ll be ready, the day I don’t stay up ‘til dawn 
Now I ramble:
Or maybe the right choice is to stay on the sidelines 
I’m not ready to lose it all again 
I’m tired of never being accepted
“I want to get to know you” 
“Oh so you don’t like ______ that’s understandable” 
“Why don’t you ever _____ for me” 
Why is it that I can accept a person for who they are 
But others have this expectation of me, that I never meet 
There’s reasons why I don’t think I’m enough 
And why I don’t seek this anymore 
It’s just too much 
Don’t mind the rambles
I just say this so I don’t end up in shambles 
I let my mind speak so I don’t hold it in 
I place myself face to face with the darkness within 
Shits weird and honestly don’t know myself anymore 
I used to be happy down to my core 
Now I’m here, sitting and waiting 
And hang out, gotta get to creating 
Do I miss you? My old life? The things I cherished in the past? 
Who knows, I guess nothing in life can last 

I guess I just needed an outlet. A lot of sleepless time just letting my mind go, and all my thoughts coming at me at once. When does life get better? 

lYfe

I don’t think it’s ever been this bad

i’ve neglected my emotions so much it’s mad 

life just feels like background noise 

now I sit here to listen to my own voice

when I spit the poem in reverse 

hell sometimes it feels like a parallel universe 

new job, no home, no partner to ride it with 

at this point im on that dark side with the sith 

feeling like i’m standing still as a rock 

for now fuck the rhymes just let me talk:

I feel lost every time I see you 
I can never express how I feel because I get lost looking
so the thoughts stay with me and leave me feeling empty 
then I see the damage I do and I feel worse 
crying in the shower just to drown myself out 
I don’t deserve things 
music, weed, and dance just to escape 
hasn’t been this bad in a while 
just felt like writing for once to express something 
anyways i’m done, back to the written words 

lost in my mind and not sure where to go 

do I even deserve my old life any mo’ 

do I even want my old life 

the only one near me is the one with a scythe 

keeps close, just enough for me to be aware 

now I just sit back, head to the sky with my blank stare

what is life man, how does one shift back into reality

guess the first things to recover my sanity

still don’t know if I want it back

but the new me isn’t me, homies just wack 




i’m lost.